Creative Writing 1.4 Now and then.

On clear winter days at Cardrona, queues for the lift snakes back as far as the eye can see. Chatter of the people in the crowds overtake the sound of the swirling wind that is a constant while up the peak, slowly, but surely, bringing the nearest storm into the arms of the mountain. Skiers and snowboarders alike, with their knees bent, skate down the mountains various runs and pass the queues of the lift at a greater pace than the whistling wind. Unsuccessful in its attempt, the new lift tries to remove the mountain goers from the long succession of skis and poles.

Once the seat is occupied on the blood red chair, the crawl up the mountain is a drag, however the views over the valley make up for it. Other mountains in the surrounding area have been stretched in order to touch the clear blue sky, but they still need have a long way to go to reach the sun that beats down on the snow, turning it to slush. The base of the valley is still hidden away by the bed of cloud that sits below the snow line, but this bed will soon be uncomfortable as an ominous grey cloud begins to roll into the other side of the gorge. Like hide and seek, the malicious sun eventually finds every nook and cranny over the whole mountain, and manages to expose the mountains bare back of tussocks. Rocks are also revealed and are like warts, ruining Cardrona’s pure beauty. The sun slowly dips below the peak of the mountain, creating a shade over the trails.

Back down the mountain, the crowds begin to leave as they can see the grey clouds start to roll over the top of the peak, ruining any further enjoyment. Its now the suns turn to hide as the smog removes any form of light from our sight, and covers any gaps that the sun had made in the snow throughout the day. Once darkness covers the peak, the mountain is like a volcano, ready to erupt again the next day. 

Cardrona is alive all year round. The sun rises again for another day, but this time skis are swapped for bikes, and the pure white snow is replaced with dirt and tussock. All the warts that were previously ruining Cardrona’s beauty are now adding to it. Like a volcano, the mountain has a small eruption, the car parks are half full. The hive of the mountain becomes swarmed by bees, going for the sweet honey. Queues at the lift are also a smaller snake this time of year, and whilst on the chair the views over the valley are much different. The mountains surrounding Cardrona are still touching the sky, but they are not the snowy peaks we saw earlier in the year, these giants are covered in grass and tussock. There is no ominous grey cloud on a destruction path either, just clear blue skies as far as the eye can see.

Dust from the bikes creates a low cloud over the trails, getting into the riders eyes, nose and mouth. It also manages to squeeze its way between their shoes and under the bikers shirts, requiring a shower once they get home. Heat from the sun removes any form of moisture across the mountain apart from winters skeleton that lies beneath the rocks at the top of the lift, the only indicator that this mountain has other uses. The smell of pies draws people towards it, like a light on the ocean, but there is not as many eager locals to take it this time of year. Eventually the hot and flustered locals make their way down the mountain, taking the cloud of dust with them along the windy gravel road.

Finally, the sun begins to set behind the mountain, tourists crowd the peak to see the pink and orange streaks of light, and then the millions of stars under the clearest night sky.

2 Comments

Add Yours →

Hi Ben,

You have made a good start with this.

Have a think about:

– Developing the details past a single sentence. You want aspects of your scene to ‘interact’ with each other. Using connective phrases, prepositions and conjunctions will help you do this.

– You have great moments of ‘show’. Look to build these up a little more. You need to strike a better balance between the figurative and the literal.

– Vary your sentence starters so that the piece has better flow and each sentence leads into the one that follows.

Mrs P

Hi Ben,

There is a lot of work to do on this piece. You need to focus on getting that scene built, layer by layer, so you have enough time to edit it carefully.

During the final four periods, have a think about:

– Writing with an active voice. You want this scene to come alive for the reader. Using precise verb choices and the continuous present tense will help you do this.

– There is a lot of ‘tell’ happening. As we discussed in class, let the verb you have selected show the reader what sense you are appealing to, rather than naming it (even with synonyms). Ensure you are appealing to a range of senses and using language devices such as personification and metaphor.

– Look to develop flow in your piece. Connect different elements of your setting together using more complex syntax. At the moment, there is a listed feeling to this piece. Think about how you can use connectives to achieve this.

During the final hours, you will need to edit this very carefully. Look for errors in your grammar, punctuation and spelling. Reading your work out loud to yourself will help you to hear where you have made mistakes or your writing doesn’t sound quite right.

Mrs P

Leave a Reply